Getting Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
In my practice, I have worked with many people who struggle to feel their feelings. There is almost always an adaptive reason for this pattern of pushing down or suppressing unpleasant emotions or sensations. For some, this could have stemmed from a household growing up where feelings of anger led to actions of violence (emotional or physical). As a result, children in situations such as these may experience fear or shame when feelings of anger arise within them.
For many others, talking about emotions and more difficult experiences was not modeled by parents or caregivers growing up. Maybe your parents never had disagreements in front of you or you never saw your caregivers cry - this absence of emotional displays can result in a child (and eventually an adult) who never learned how to feel their feelings and be with themselves or others in an authentic way.
This list is not exhaustive, these are only two examples of experiences in childhood that can result in a person not quite knowing how to tolerate “negative” emotions. But as an adult, the inability to feel or express what you are feeling can have consequences.
When we make a pattern of ignoring and pushing down uncomfortable feelings, they have a way of eventually making themselves known. Let’s say you are feeling disrespected and undervalued at work — after a long day, you come home feeling frustrated. When your partner asks you how your day was, you sharply reply “fine” and shortly after criticize them for leaving dishes in the sink. Your feelings of frustration are coming out but are misdirected toward your partner. —
If you are someone who pushes down or ignores things that are difficult or uncomfortable, I encourage you to reflect on where this pattern came from. If you are in a place where you are wanting to feel things more deeply and communicate more openly with others here are some things you can try:
Practice checking in with how you are feeling at least once per day. Take a moment to pause and internally ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now?” The answers that arise may be sensation based (my shoulders are tense) and/or emotion based (I feel anxious). The more you practice checking in with yourself, the easier it will likely become.
Express yourself authentically. This might mean taking up a journaling practice and writing about how you are feeling or sharing with a trusted friend or therapist. For those who focus only on the positive, it can be an interesting exercise to express one or two things that were challenging or at least not amazing.
Catch the ember before it becomes a flame. An “ember” is the beginning of a feeling or sensation - a slight tightness in the chest thinking about an upcoming vacation with your family, racing thoughts after reading a passive-aggressive text message, feelings of anger or anxiety - an ember can lead to a “fire” if not dealt with in a healthy way. A fire can look like a panic attack, an eruption of frustration towards a partner, or other things that happen when we leave our window of tolerance.
If you take care of the ember before it turns into a fire, it will likely have less of an impact on your day, your relationships, and your sense of groundedness. You can read more here and here for tips on how to extinguish embers and fires.