Co-Regulation For Feeling Safe
In many cultures, children are carried on a caregiver’s back with their eyes looking ahead over the caregiver’s shoulders. With this positioning, the child has direct contact with the caregiver’s back and can feel their heartbeat. They also are able to see whatever their caregiver is seeing.
If the person carrying the child is afraid of dogs, their body may tense up and/or their heart rate may increase when a dog is observed ahead. The child is able to pick up on these cues, and if this happens on a frequent basis, the child will likely adopt an aversion to dogs.
Alternately, this contact between the caregiver and child can be soothing. The child may be seeing things that are new, overwhelming, or confusing but can be soothed by the calmness of the person holding them. This is called co-regulation - when another person and/or their nervous system directly impacts another’s.
Our nervous systems seek to match the person across from us - if the person ringing you up at the grocery store is frantic, you may begin to feel anxious as well. Or if you are having a hard day, a hug from a safe friend may help to bring the activation down.
Co-regulation can occur through body-to-body contact, tone of voice, making eye contact, breathing together, and more. Co-regulation is important in infancy and can be the building block for a child to learn self-regulation tools. But co-regulation remains important throughout our entire lifespan.
Four ways to practice co-regulation with a friend, family member, partner, or pet:
Take turns reading out loud to each other. When you are being read to, notice what happens inside - does your breathing slow down or deepen? What are the cues inside your body and/or mind that you are relaxing (or not relaxing if this doesn’t feel regulating to you)?
Engage in breath work together. 2-to-1 breathing (exhaling for twice as long as you inhale), resonant breathing, or other breathing techniques can be soothing for your nervous system. Do this with someone else and notice what happens inside - do you feel more or less calm afterward? How do you know - what signs in your body or mind tell you that you are feeling more or less calm?
If touch feels accessible and okay for both of you, hug each other for 30 seconds up to two minutes. Pay attention to what happens in your body initially and what happens as time goes on while you are holding each other. Are you eager to break contact or does it feel easier to sink into as time progresses? You can establish a shared cue for when you are ready to stop the hug (tapping on the shoulder, saying “I’m done”, etc.).
If you have a pet at home (or someone you know has a pet that you spend time with), you can also practice co-regulation with them! With mindfulness, notice what happens when you pet this animal. As they relax or roll on their back, what happens inside you? Maybe this feels playful and you begin to laugh…or maybe you notice warmth in your chest. Just noticing what happens as you connect with this other being.
Are there ways that you practice co-regulation with someone in your life? Have there been times in your life when you have had more or less access to co-regulation that felt nourishing to you? What was your experience with co-regulation like as a child?