People often approach therapy and personal growth wanting to quickly make some big changes in their lives. But old habits and ways of being don’t just dissolve into thin air - healing and growth can take time. I am of the belief that there are two steps to change - the first is awareness and the second is change.

As I mentioned in my post two weeks ago (here), you cannot change that which you do not have awareness of. For many of us, our ways of being, viewing the world, and relating to others have become established patterns that have been played on repeat for years or decades. These deeply ingrained patterns aren’t going to shift overnight. But you can begin the awareness-building process now.

I sometimes struggle with patience - if my partner is in the way of something I need in the kitchen or if a stranger on the sidewalk is moving slowly in front of me & I have somewhere to be, etc. In these moments when things aren’t going exactly the way I would prefer them to, I will sometimes become anxious or frustrated. This anxiety and/or frustration can lead me to lash out, say something I might otherwise not, or stew in a sour mood for longer than feels ideal.

I have talked about this in my personal therapy, had long conversations about it with my partner and friends, and written about it in my journal - and I feel like I have come a long way in my quest toward becoming less reactive. But still, I find myself in moments of overwhelm or tiredness (i.e. when I am out of my Window of Tolerance) regressing back to this pattern. And sometimes that feels really disappointing and I become frustrated with myself. It is a whole cycle.

In my work with clients and my personal work with myself, I encourage an awareness-building process. This involves getting to know the thing you are wanting to change. With my reactivity and lack of patience, I began to get curious about where this pops up the most - is it around certain people, specific contexts, or places? Does it happen more often when I am tired or hungry?

When I notice that bubbling-up sensation in my chest signaling to me that I was feeling impatient, I will take a moment to pause and check it out. I say to myself something such as, “oh okay, my impatient part is here” or “I am feeling a little anxious” - it can take some of the charge away from the emotion or sensation when we are able to name it. Instead of acting on impulse and speaking or acting from a place of frustration, tapping into gentle curiosity gives me time to make a different choice. I am now much more aware of the beginning of the impatience; when I begin to feel that pressure building up in my chest and all of its impulses, I will often instead do something that feels regulating for me (some ideas can be found here) or focus on finding a “glimmer” in the moment.

This is obviously a practice and can take intention and time. I believe it is growth or progress if you show up differently even one time where you normally would have enacted an old pattern. That is something worth acknowledging and celebrating! These experiences of showing up differently can be cumulative, each time building on the last and making this new way of being more easily accessible. With awareness & understanding, you can begin to engage with yourself, the people around you, and the world at large in a new way.

Do you have old patterns that you are working on shifting? What has worked for you and/or what hasn’t been as helpful? If there is something that you have been wanting to change, I encourage you to begin to notice how this tendency or feeling shows up in your life. Maybe start an intention at the beginning of each day to be curious about this pattern.

2 Steps to Change - Using Mindfulness for Growth

The Spectrum of Dissociation

Shifting Your Orientation